I wonder if there is cake in heaven....

Today would have been my Dad's 58th birthday. It's been an emotionally draining day some of it has to do with my Dad and some has to do with a rough time we are going thru with our daughter. I just don't have it in my to write more today. I thought I would share my facebook post with you.

This was the first song when I turned on my ipod this morning. Titanic came out when my Dad was sick and this song hit it big when we were told he only had 6 weeks to live. Foo Foo (then 2 years old) for some reason took a liking to this song. If she heard it on the radio or on VH1 she would stop whatever she was doing and come running to sing it.(Actually preform it) Needless to say she would preform this song for my Dad and it would take all we had not to cry when she would sing "My heart will go on" and stretch her little arms out. She showed me that your heart does go on. Not because you want it to but because it has to for her sake and her 3 and 5 year old sisters. You can say that it playing on my ipod this morning was some random coincidence. I know differently. Thank You Dad for showing us that even if you are not here physically you are still with us every day. Happy Birthday Dad!!

If Heaven was a little closer.....

Me and my Dad~1979

Wishing my Dad a very happy Birthday in Heaven today. 14 years ago my dad celebrated his birthday and 8 days later passed away from cancer. Some days it feels like just yesterday he was here and other days it feels like a decade he was here. Like today. I am having a rough day. I'm usually ok but for some odd reason today I miss him. Really. Miss. Him. 

I miss you a little..........

Today makes the 11th year without my Dad. He lost his battle to Kidney cancer 8 days after his 43rd birthday. On a cold December day we were told my Dad only had 6 more weeks to live. How do you cram a lifetime of memories into 6 weeks. How do you start letting go while still hanging on?  How do you say goodbye to one of the most important people in your life? How do you tell someone how much they mean to you without breaking down and crying? How do you cope and function for your three small children? If you are like me you live in denial. Pure denial. You convince yourself he will be o.k. You would tell yourself he would live and totally amaze the doctors. I totally set myself up. I honestly didn't think he would die until the day before he did. My dad was an amazing guy. It wasn't just me who thought so. The day of his viewing the people were lined up down the block to pay their last respects. He meet my Mom when I was 8 years old. I was his daughter from that day on. Plain and simple. He never treated me any different then my brother. I learned trust and security from him. My bio Dad left my Mom when I was 5 and I wasn't a very trusting kid. I was welcomed into a huge Italian family. It was just what my Mom and I needed. Two years before my Dad died I heard a song by John Michael Montgomery called I miss you a little. I remember listening to it and thinking it was a sad song. It took on a whole different meaning when I heard after he died. I miss you a little... a little more each day. How true is that? I miss my Dad more today then the day he died. If today you get a chance listen to this song and tonight when you see the stars say hi to my Dad.

Letter to my Dad

Dear Dad,

Today marks 11 years since we last saw your smile,heard your laugh,and felt your hugs. A lot has changed since you have been gone. Your 6 year old granddaughter is now 17. She is getting ready to take her drivers test. I guess she won't be needed that little tykes car you bought her anymore. She is still the same little girl she was then,just taller. I can picture the two of you going on shopping trips. Do you remember when she was two and you took her shopping? What started out as just a dress turned into a dress,new shoes, a new purse and a head bow? I can still hear you laughing telling me the new dress didn't match the old shoes and well the purse looked so cute with the dress. I have to tell you she is still like that. Everything matches. Only the whole outfit for 50 dollars? You would be lucky to get her shoes for that. She has turned into this extremely posed young adult. You would be so proud of her. 

The little tornado is now 14 almost 15. Remember how she would barely talk and when she did you couldn't understand her? After years of speech class we can't shut her up. How I wish you could hear her. She has turned into this strong full of wonder kid. I often ask her what does she remember about you. "Not much" she will reply. It breaks my heart to hear that. It was what I feared the most. My kids not remembering you. 

Little foo-foo turned 13 this past year. The little girl who would sing Celine Dion songs now sings for chorus. I can still picture her singing "My heart will go on" to you. She had no idea what that song meant. To her it was the most popular song/video at the time. To the rest of us it was the story we were currently living. She has more memories of you then I ever expected her too. She was only two when you died. I don't remember much when I was two but she does. She use to talk to you a lot but I'm sure you know that. The first time she did that we were coming home from the mall. We heard her talking away in her car seat and her sisters were sleeping in the backseat. I asked her "who are you talking to?" She looked at me said I'm talking to my "Pop-Pop". It was the first of many times she would do that. 

We have a new youngest child now. Bubby is a very very active 20 month old. He looks just like Tornado and has Foo's personality. I think you would have gotten a big kick out of him. I have been trying to find ways for him to know who you are. It's tough.

Your son has now graduated from high school and college. He went to the college he said for years he was going to go to. It was hard on him when you died. He lost his best buddy and he was lost. He has changed a lot over the years. I can see the two of  still being best friends. Now if we could just find him a nice girl to settle down with. 

Mom is healing. She went years of just grieving. I think she expected you to walk thru that door at any minute. Who didn't? She was afraid if she moved on she would leave you behind. The problem is we have to move on. She bought her 1st house a year ago. Can you believe it? I was so proud of her. It was one of the hardest things she ever had to do,leave your old house. She did it. It was the best thing for her. She is completely different. There is a smile in her eyes I haven't seen for years. 

I wish I could say we are the same people we were 11 years ago. We are not. We all lost a part of our soul that cold January day. This year has been a little harder for me. I think it is because I realize all the things you are missing out on. The laughs. The hugs. The smiles. Most of all the memories. I know I will see you again someday and we will have the biggest party ever.

Until that day,Dad........