Monday, November 7, 2011

mixed bag of emotions

This past Friday my bil's widow got remarried. We knew she was going to get married, we just didn't know when. She has been engaged for almost two years and kept changing her mind. She would say she's moving from Alaska to Minnesota and change her mind a week before she was suppose to move. We kind of stopped paying attention after a while. According to my Mil she was suppose to get married last weekend but backed out of it. I knew some day we would get to this point. She would remarry and my nieces Firefly and Ladybug would have a new dad. I guess I just wasn't ready for it yet. Now don't get me wrong, I am so happy that they have someone else to call Dad. It just means (to me)that my bil is really gone. He is not coming back. Ever. It hurts. I know, I know, he's been gone for almost 4 years and Yes I know he's not coming back. The marriage just makes it more final. It hurts to know that the next family portrait will be with the new husband. It hurts to know the girls will be calling the new husband,Dad. I'm afraid my sister in law will no longer view us as family. I'm afraid if any of us speak against her she will cut off contact. I mean what if the new husband doesn't want our family in his life. I'm afraid my nieces will no longer need us. I am angry that my bil died. Angry that the family structure changed. Most of all I feel so guilty for having all of these emotions at the same time. See, I told you it was a mixed bag of emotions.........


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